I've been feeling down and I was quick to just say that's me and my outlook of life. But with some digging I realize I started feeling down on Tuesday after being in the Cafeteria at the school I work in. I usually avoid cafeterias because the smell and the place itself has always made me uneasy and I've never had good associations with it. When I was three-four I was sexually molested for the first time and around the same time I was going to the school I work in for Pre-K. I don't remember much of the school itself but I do remember the cafeteria (this is not where I was molested, but is the same time period). I can't say I'm okay with it. I don't even know what the right word would be, I can't go back and change any of the things that happened but I wished it didn't impact me so much today, I'm twenty-nine years old and since I agree to continue with life it would be a lot easier if it didn't bother me. Will a day ever come when I'm okay with it and can just shrug it off? It's hard now because I'm in couple's therapy and one of the things that came up was about caring about myself. Sometimes I really don't care about myself and I'm okay with that since so many people have taken advantage of me growing up it feels normal and even better that I'm the one who's doing the damage instead of someone else.







What if I said I hated all the people who took advantage of me and I wish I could have had a childhood and felt safe growing up? What if I said I felt like I was raped when I was twelve and had five guys on top of me? I can't say any of those things except write it here. But it also doesn't change anything. I can't go back I can't get my childhood back. I'm accepting that, but I wished it also included letting me continue the rest of my life without any attachment of the things that happened in the past. What happens if I never fully stop cutting, restricting or even purging or wanting to die at times? What kind of life is that? I guess there's more to my just feeling down, some stuff just never goes away... Thanks for reading my rambling, I'm just feeling like I'm sitting in this long dreadful movie called life and waiting for a happy scene.