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  1. #1
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    Default Verbal Abuse & Self Defense.

    I found an article earlier by just searchin around, it was very helpful for me. Anyways, so I will share it. People put down your opinions as well. Anything that is relevant to this topic.

    How do you deal with stupid arguments? - How to stop bullying

    Stupid arguments are said to be around since humanity spoke its first word. Well the intention was already there but it could not be verbalised yet. What are the mechanics behind a stupid argument? The reason behind verbal bullying is that some people want to make fun of others in order to feel more important. It is a dumb way to hide inferiority syndromes, to seem more important to them selves, to challenge your authority and finally to impress the woman sitting next to you. There are some people walking out there with really MESSED UP Egos...
    In two-and-a-half words: Signs of Submission. Now, don’t take me wrong on this one, please don't. I do not speak about Pulp-Fiction-Apple-In-The-Mouth type of submission. What I am talking about is small, subtler changes of your body language that will show to him or her that he/she succeeded at making you feel strange:

    - Break of eye contact.

    - Change of colour.

    - High pitching voice / defensiveness.

    - Any jerky movement.

    - Over blink.

    - Any emotional reaction.

    Bullies feed from the above like sharks in deep water. Stop the bullies. If you do any of the above means that you are reactive. Here, we look for non reactive. You see, people come in two basic flavors. Those that need external points of validation in order to feel good and the rest that decide by themselves for how they will feel (internal points of validation). The first flavour of people are a leaf in the wind, they always care about what other people think and they make sure they always follow the social norms. Symbol: the dog. He always cares about what his master says. The second flavour does not give a damn about what other people think or say. They only care about what they think. They are usually very independent and they don't get easily intimidated by other people's judgement. The problem with this kind of people is that they will do fewer things to improve their life situation because frankly, they just do not give a damn. Symbol: the bear. Independent and wild. Most people we live somewhere in between those two extremes. When two people meet in a room, several funny things happen. There is one that is more important: The conversation is controlled by the RECEIVER of the information.

    Let's write down that again.

    He, who listens, controls the interaction. Not the other way around. When a person says something to you, he wants *some kind* of feedback. If not, he would have never said it. Let’s say, for example, that you think that I am a cool guy. Why, tell me? By taking the decision to tell me, even unconsciously, you are actively looking for some kind of reaction from me. Let’s say, you think that John is stupid.(There is always a Johny in the story, dummy. Always). This is a fact in your mind. You do not need to tell him. However, by deciding to do so, it means that you look for some type of reaction from him. You may want to make him feel bad, or you may wish to prove to someone that you are more important. Proof for the above is that very few people actually talk when they are by them selves.

    Well there are some that do, but that’s another story.


    Here you have three types of choices:

    - Passively dominate him .

    - Out frame him.

    - Show him, who he is. Be radically honest with him/her

    I go most of the time for the first one. Passive domination . Here the frame is that you do not care at all about him, and that you have not been intimidated. The more passive your reaction, the more energy conserving, the more you come from a position of power. In any given social interaction, the person that reacts the least is socially more important. We tend to overreact only towards persons that pose a threat to us or persons that have a higher social status from us.





    This has happened for evolutionary reasons: Many hundred thousand of years before some human went in an settlement or village and started to behave as dominant without having the social status to back it up. Well guess what. The chief of that ancient community felt the threat and made sure to erase his genes out of the gene pool. The others have made sure to pass that knowledge through social norms and through teaching. This is why you brain will dictate one behavior when you talk to your boss (higher than you social status) and a completely different behavior when you speak to your friends. In evolutionary terms your brain still lives in those ancient times and for all it understands the world is still a huge tribe. So it blocks you in order to protect you. However, you CAN unprogram this behavior. Use this knowledge to your benefit by reducing your emotional reactions and by cutting your body language speed at half. People constantly scan the subcommunicating cues of others as a sign for how THEY should behave and this makes the carrier of a message FAR MORE POWERFUL than the actual message itself.



    For not very serious situations: a good, funny method to achieve the above is by repeating whatever he/she had said. This is not only funny if said with the right tone but also saves you from the effort of having to think what to say next. This approach is also known as the verbal mirror and it comes in flavors: you can say it with the same tone that he said it, you can say it with an exaggerated tone of his way of talking or you can use an idiot tone - with a foreign accent . This last is very effective as people laugh with your accent but attach the feeling of hostility to the other person.



    Ignore him (ACTIVE IGNORANCE). Do not look at him, do not answer him. Pretend, that you didn’t even hear what he just said and do that by thinking of something irrelevant. What this does is that it shows to the other person that what he just said, was so dumb that you didn’t even process it. Continue talking on with another subject and at another person, like he never, ever, said it: This is the best Neutral reaction. If he tries to say it again then he is a try hard.

    REMEMBER: You are not obliged to answer logically at every question people throw at you.

    After a dumb question:

    Make him wait before you give him your response. This shows that you are not intimidated by him, and that you are non reactive. You can answer something crazy and irrelevant. You can over exaggerate what has already been said against you.: "blah,blah, you are afraid!".You answer with a good eye contact: "Oh, yes I am peeeeetrified. I piss my pants every 23 minutes minus 3 gay seconds". You can give a post question.

    For example: Where did you buy that T-shirt ?? Where did YOU think I bought if from?". "Where were you man yesterday?."Where do YOU THINK I was?". You can answer cryptically. Make them work before you give them the answer. All times great: HIM:"Hey, why do you blah, blah?".“Do you like lemons, do you believe in God ?”. Figuring out what you meant by that post-question will need some serious mental gymnastics.

    If you have woken up from the crazy side of the bed then you can add a twist to that and add a double negation: "What weren't you thinking of right now, buddy ??? Answer ME pleeease".

    Out Framing This is a big subject that comes from NLP AKA Neuro Linguistic Programming. Nothing has a meaning of its own. As Shakespeare once said: "We give meanings at things that happen to us". The meaning of something in the conversation is called the *frame* of the conversation. Any second-level-meaning is called a Metaframe. In NLP, a Frame Game is a game two people play with a specific outcome to be achieved. Imagine someone saying to you: "Hey, you are not tough enough". He tries to set you in a frame game: You have to prove whether you are tough or not. His frame is that you do want to prove that you are tough.

    Here however comes the catch.

    If you are trying to prove your self worthy to him/her this means that he is ALREADY in a position of value. He is already 'tough'. This second clause is silently passed with no processing, you are silently accepting it and from that point on you are fighting your way uphill. This is a META FRAME: A second, silent meaning (He is up ther judging you and you are down here trying to prove your self to him).

    Don't accept unhealthy frames that people throw to you.


    He Who Sets The Frame Controls The Game.

    When people start throwing dumb arguments at you, they want you to accept a certain frame game. By not accepting it you are passively dominating them. However, you do have other solutions also : Out framing them. This is the old school equivalent of having something smarter to say back. Thinking outside of the box is always better as any tech fun can tell you.


    Well... the only thing you just have to do is to name what game he is playing on you and show it to him. If for example, you ask for a chair and someone says “Go elsewhere, I don't want to give it to you...”. You say, “Look at you. You must be one of those that like to make people feel bad, in order to feel better.” If he says: "Look at your shirt, it is so cheesy. Where did you buy it, man ?? Tell us, so as not to go there" Answer back: "Oh, you are of those that are impolite. Where did you grow up. Ok, I do not want to know.... Nice try, mate". This approach packs a punch while saving you valuable energy as you do not have to think a lot to make it work .

    All you have to do is to tell the other person how he/she makes you feel: "You make me feel bad when you say this. Stop it." or "Oh, you say this because you want to feel good by making me feel bad. I resent you for it". If you have to remember something from this article is this: Say exactly what you feel and what you think. Reality is often more devastating for these type of toxic persons, than any other 'manipulating technique'. You can make the situation even more interesting if you add a cunning smile to it: "Aaaah, I see you tried to make a joke there". (foxy smile). "Did you say that to make me feel bad ??". "I see what you are doing here", and ... repeat what the metaframe was: Try to play smart etc.


    I found this stuff in this article A way to STOP verbal ABUSE - Dealing with STUPID arguments - Verbal self defense Very helpful.

  2. #2
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    Bump!
    Hello.

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    makes sense to me - although who can remember all that?

 

 

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