Is there anybody who can maybe help me?

[le_bebieh]

Hi

I'm dealing with depressions for nearly five years now, and I noticed how it changed during the time. First I was just kind of ''all-time depressed'" - I was feeling sad most of the time, didn't like to do anything, didn't try to belong to anyone and just felt lonely and stuff.

By now it's somehow like waves... I'm ok, even happy for some weeks, then somewhere between normal and depressed one or two months, then I'm absolutely at the bottom of everything for some weeks. I mean, it's ok - I'm don't have to take it all the time anymore. The problem is, these waves make it hard for my friends to cope with my moods - they think everything's ok and suddenly it's not for a long time. Then they got used to treating me carefully, and all of a sudden I'm ok again. I know that it's very hard for them to deal with it. :/

And the times when I'm really depressed are getting stronger every time. It started with cutting, then the next time it was cutting and smoking and drinking too much, drug abuse (I'm taking medicine for my ADD and it can make you pretty high if you take too much - I took four times as much as I should), and now I'm really afraid of what will happen the next time. I guess I have some time left until it starts again, but what can I do then? As soon as my between-normal-and-depressed-phases start, my suicid thoughts come back, and then it gets worse and worse. I don't want to die NOW, but what if I want it i a few weeks again?

What can I do?

My parents and my friends and my therapist know about it, but none of them can really help me, although they try. I don't want to be such a burden, but I just can't change it.. I've been to so many therapies, and I just have no hope anymore that one might help me. It's always the same.

I just want to know how to suvive that sh*t. :/
Is there someone here who could help me?

[Killer]

this must be really painful to put up with m8. you did not mention seeing a doctor yet?

[John.W.Creasy]

Silly depression, grabs us all i think at least once in our life, even tho some deni it. Most therapist are really not that helpful and can be very frustrating to find the right therapist.
Do you also get Anxiety? small Panic Attacks?
Drinking can make you feel good and sometimes can get all those emotions and unwanted thoughts away, is this the case?
I believe drugs will only bring it on more after it wheres off.
Something i would certainly be looking into is adhd/add medication side effects.
Im not sure which medication you are on, but some research is always good as some adhd/add medication can cause depression in long term use.
I would also most certainly ask your local Doctor about the medication and with out a doubt talk with them about your feelings and thoughts, and that you feel you have depression. If you feel the Doctor is not helping you enough, find another one, a good Doctor i believe is the number one aim and the first place i would be seeking help. They most likely will give you medication for your chemical imbalance in the brain. Remember to research and read up on any medication the Doctor gives you. Most cases the medication given to you by your doctor may not help the first time, nor the second time. If this continues, again seek another Doctor. Let the new Doctor know what meds you have been on, a second opinion is always good. You sound like a strong person, strong minded but, the depression is mostly getting the better of you by what you have wrote above.
PLEASE, see your Doctor, it will be your first step to overcoming this, well your first good step was this thread, but you can beat this. Find the right Doctor = success. I personally wish you all the best, i know you can fight this. Good luck.

[BoYkA]

I just want to know how to suvive that sh*t. :/
Is there someone here who could help me?

the person who can help you the most is you. meaning, you can help your self by going to the doctors. also i agree with John.W.Creasy, you are strong minded and you sound like a really cool person we can help you by pointing you in the right direction, well try to!
we are not trained professionals but we do our best and love helping our members.
mate, i have a friend that had depression and i didn't even know she had it. she would cry her self to sleep and have strange thoughts etc for months and months. one trip to the doctor changed her life, she was lucky to get the right medication first time. as John.W.Creasy says, chances of the right medication first off is slim, all depends, everyone is different.
and agreed again to the above, its just a chemical imbalance, the right medication just levels that imbalance back to normal and then your brain takes over. your brain knows theres something wrong and is trying its best to fix it, some people dont know that your brain already knows what is happening and is trying to fix the problem. but just a little help and hand from a doctor/medication and you will be amazed, its like, wow i feel normal again.
the cutting sucks, this should die down after awhile as you kinda release its not at all helpful or used as some sort of relief, meaning you suddenly go, o/god this is pointless. suicide thoughts, very common but we can not talk about this on the forums, thats between you and your doctor, but again your strong minded i believe. but depression contact information for Germany you could try 0800-1110-111.
you have probably heard this a hundred times, so, sorry to bring it up, but talking to a local help line is really orsm, we have like nurse on call here, they are so helpful. im really stubborn, very strong minded but still stubborn when it comes to helping myself, id rather help others more than myself. but i did realize that picking up the phone and making a call was pretty easy to do. more advice the better.
a depression test can be helpful and interesting: A Test for Depression
im pretty sure if you ring a help line they will say speak to your doctor, but its worth ringing.
its good to try a think back at whats happened over the last few years that mite have brought this on to. my mum died a year ago and i still cant come to terms with it, i need to get off my ass and see someone about that to. thinking backs good for some. but hey, like said above, could be the medication your on, or drugs making things even worse. your just really not going to know till you see a doctor, it all comes down to that. again sorry if you have already seen a doctor about this, nothing worse than hearing the same old shit. but hey, if the first doctor dont help, get a new doctor, you will over come this mate ok. i hope we were helpful in some way.
feel free to keep adding to your thread, get everything off your chest, sometimes writing is good.
our mind, our own little world really is a beautiful place, its just some things throw us off balance, we can over come these hurdles if ones willing to try.
best of luck mate, keep us up to date. cheers.
ps. my friend the had depression is now just full of smiles, great to see her back and happy.

[SkItZ]

do you play any sports or have any hobby's that you can take you mind off things?
meditation?

[le_bebieh]

you did not mention seeing a doctor yet?

I've been to several therapists and my doctor knows about it. He recommended to ask my current therapist for some options, because I don't like her and want someone else. She gave me some names of therapists that are close enough for me (I'm not living in a city and don't have a car or motorbike yet), but none of them made me feel comfortable.

Do you also get Anxiety? small Panic Attacks?
Drinking can make you feel good and sometimes can get all those emotions and unwanted thoughts away, is this the case?

Not that much... I used to, along with a rapid heartbeat and breathing problems, but it got better now.
And I guess I'm just drinking for feeling ok - I connect drinking with parties, with fun and because how I used to drink with control. Whenever I was drinking I knew that there was no need to worry. It's just a way of calming myself down. I'm rarely drinking enough to really feel it, if I notice something it's mostly just that I'm more relaxed, but I'm never really drunk.

Something i would certainly be looking into is adhd/add medication side effects.

When I had that small panic attacks I looked for the side effects and also if they might cause depressions, and they CAN do so. The thing is, that wave-movement is not influenced by the medicine - I sometimes take it and then I don't for months, and there's no change I could notice.

They most likely will give you medication for your chemical imbalance in the brain.

That's exactly what I don't want. I don't want to got to therapists anymore because I feel like they really disturbed my life - it's not good if a child grows on seeing their therapists two times a week since their six. It makes you feel insane. And I'm fed up with medicine, because in the end I'm always abusing it or refuse to take it. I don't want to have to suffer all that side effects anymore, and I hate feeling like I need a crutch all my life just to not feel like killing myself. I know that I don't really have a choice, but I hate it that much. :/

and agreed again to the above, its just a chemical imbalance, the right medication just levels that imbalance back to normal and then your brain takes over.

Actually I'm not sure about that part. I've been an outsider all my life long, I always hat problems with other children and teachers, my parents were arguing a lot and I have a very bad relationship to my father who I only see a weeks in the year. Ok, I have ADD, but I guess that's just one factor and not the main reason for my depressions. So I don't want to solve everything with medicine while I'm not sure if that solves the problem.

Thanks for the test, I already did one with ma therapists and an awful lot of it on the internet, and they all said I have medium strength/ strong depressions.

do you play any sports or have any hobby's that you can take you mind off things?
meditation?

Not really. I know it's important to have some hobbies and that sports are very useful against depressions, but I'm just lazy and really hate doing sports, I'd only like playing soccer, but I can't find a team close enough. And my favourite hobbies are reading and listening to music, things that are real good for depressions to grab me. :/
I'm trying to go to parties as often as possible, to talk to people and dance everything away, but most of the time I got nothing to do and just don't want to. :/

Thanks to all of you for your help, it just feels good to have people who really read what I write and know something to say. Thank you.

[BoYkA]

Not that much... I used to, along with a rapid heartbeat and breathing problems, but it got better now.
And I guess I'm just drinking for feeling ok - I connect drinking with parties, with fun and because how I used to drink with control. Whenever I was drinking I knew that there was no need to worry. It's just a way of calming myself down. I'm rarely drinking enough to really feel it, if I notice something it's mostly just that I'm more relaxed, but I'm never really drunk.

ahhh yeah this has happened to me. but it wasnt rapid heartbeat, which i thought it was, it was actually the muscle next to my heart. i honestly thought i was going pass out and die, i was sooo dizzy, could hardly see, i had eye flickers as in, it was like a light turning off and on really fast and shaking. after that i was bed ridden for a few weeks, it was really bad. found out it was something in the pot i had smoked, laced or something. the crazy thing is i have not feel normal since it happened, and this was like 5 years ago, still on tablets for it. still dizzy 24/7, its got to the point that my brain is getting use to being dizzy, really strange. at the time i was doing lots of sports, i have stopped bmx racing and moto-x, but just play tennis now. i must say when im playing tennis, i forget im even ill. like you say above, doing stuff helps, like sports.
that sucks you live so far away that you cant play sports and stuff. oh and drinking, when im drunk, i actually feel normal.
i already thought you had already been to the doctors etc, it just wasnt mentioned first off, sorry about that mate.
as for the ADD, yeah, its certainly not the medication then.
i have never thought a therapist could help in any way for depression, i know its someone to talk to and tell them about your thoughts and feeling, and bringing up the past, family issues etc, but keeping on going back for how long??? that would drive me insane. just read your post again, you see them 2 times a week since you were 6? i dont understand why a 6 year old would need a therapist. maybe take a break for a while. you need good help from a really good doctor for depression, but living so far out, sounds like you cant get the help you need living so far away.
your basically by your self every night, so that lets silly ass thoughts into your mind, correct me if im in the wrong here. theres a difference between thinking time and to much thinking time, to much for me, i start thinking dumb shit to. like its really point-less crap that goes through my mind when i think to much.
i seen meditation mentioned above, i love the meditation of music and a person talking type meditation, not that silence crap.
ahhh i have vistors g2g.

[le_bebieh]

Well, I'm not seeing them anymore, I refused to when I was twelf and now see them every few weeks... I've been there because of social problems, because I never accepted rules or respected my teachers, because I was very aggressive and didn't behave ''normal''. >.<
I just hate them now because therapists are always so ''ooooh, you're such a nice girl, let's talk abouit your problem,s want a cookie?'', and I HATE it. I want them to talk to me like a normal person, but I didn't meet anyone who did. I'm not five anymore but they treated me like that, and that's why I hate them. -.-
I know what yoiu mean with too much thinking time... I made myslef stop it. Not long ago I was sitting there for hours, doing nothing, just thinking, and I felt how that made me even more depressive. Iwas thinking about my family, my friends, my future, my problems, death, life in general and how we treat animals. Everything. It got even worse when I had taken my medicine, I was kinda maniac on one topic, and that just drove me crazy. So I made myself stop thinking that much, I'm reading, writing, chatting, surfing the internet or smoking - watching the smoke, not my thoughts. That helps a bit. :/

Camn't your doctors do anything against your dizzyness? That sounds really bad, do you take any medicine against it? :/

[MoonlightXX]

*HUGE BEAR HUG*
Sorry, I don't really know how I can help, but I'll be here!

[Bloxy]

Are you familiar with something called Neuro Linguistic Programming? It is hare to describe but it is a body of knowlege that treats the human mind like a computer. Our thoughts are like software programs that run within our mind. Now, you need to understand that, as Shakespeare said, "there is no good or bad but thinking makes it so". Think about it, is a rainy day good or bad. It is niether, it just is. However, to the kid who wants to play it is bad and to the farmer who needs rain it is good.

So, your life is niether good or bad, it is your thoughts which make it so. Now, getting back to NLP. You can install and uninstall thoughts, beliefs, habits etc. just as you can software. Tad James and Chris Howard have audio programs that I have listened to that I have found really helpful. Also, I have recently been using self hypnosis recordings that have had a beneficial impact on my life. There are plenty of self hypnosis programs to help you get and get rid of things in your mind.

Check those things out, I think it will help.