I have been going out with this guy for three years. This guys name is Enrique, Ricky for short. We met at church four years ago and were friends for a whole year before he asked me out. He is older than me by four years.

I was fourteen when we started going out. He was always the type that treated me like a princess and did everything he could for me. So as Christians we always chose to abstain and wait for marriage before engaging in sexual activity. In the beginning of April he started talking about having sex, asking me if I would do it. I told him that I was waiting for marriage and he said ok. Later on in the week he kept on about sex and asking if it would be alright if we had sex. I told him that I would possibly consider it but that it wouldn't be likely.

So in the beginning of June we were at this party that he made me go to and I drank only soda. But maybe twenty minutes after I had my first drink, I started to get dizzy and feel like my motor skills were failing me. Ricky noticed this and took me to a room upstairs and I started to fall asleep as he pulled my shirt over my head, by the time my shoes were off I was asleep. I woke up maybe a half hour later to this weird motion and when my vision seemed to clear he was on top of me completely nude. I could feel him all over me but it was dull like I could feel him inside me but it didn't feel like anything. I remember crying and trying to scream but barely any sound came out from me.

When I woke up it was the next day and he was sleeping right next to me. His face looked so innocent but I felt so dirty and used and yet I still loved him. It hurt to look at him and I broke down in the bathroom. I didn't want anyone to know so I turned on the shower and cried as quietly as I could. When he woke up and saw me he had this look of horror on his face, I didn't want him to look at me. But he scooped me up anyway and started crying begging for my forgiveness.


Why do I still love him? What is wrong with me? I feel so worthless and all I can do now is cling to him. I don't know why I can still cling to him when he is the one who did this to me. I am not strong enough to leave him, what if he is the onyl person who will ever want me after this...