My personal story

**BlueEyed1989** · 16-02-2008, 10:48 AM

I have a lot of issues with abandonment and anger towards my family. I lost my mother when i was 9 years old which im blamed for. I live 3000 miles away from my family and ive been sad ever since i was discharged from the army. I live with my best friend and his 3 kids. I can't get a job because i have a panic attack at work or i get so aggravated over something small i quit. i haven't lived at home for two years and i don't talk to my family. I was molested, raped, and beaten by someone in my family and the emotional scars has left me to not trust anyone especially men. I need help to get over this feeling about my mom. I love her but yet i want to hate her. I want her here so i can yell at her but hug her until she can't breathe. These thoughts are ruinning my life everyday i can't deal with it alone. no one understands. please help me

: cry:

LD

**BoYkA** · 16-02-2008, 12:09 PM

wow BlueEyed1989 you really have it tough :shock: this is a shocking way to live. i feel your pain and the way you have expressed your self is so sad

hey you cant be blamed for your mothers death, thats just pure wrong.

unless you pulled a gun out and shot her then you would be the blame, other than that, get that thought out of your head NOW! you have emotional scars that only

a conceller can help you with, sometimes i think a conceller would be a waste of time,

but i have heard great feed back if you get the right one, but hey then you have to pay for it what a joke yeah.

what are you taking for the panic attacks? Xanx is amazing.

wait

I lost my mother when i was 9 years old which im blamed for

she died right? or do i have that wrong?

ok lets get to the hard part:

Its time to confront those that have hurt you, MAKE them say sorry!

Face your family, let everyone no what has happened to you.

Get the truth out there, the truth needs to be heard and the truth may

set you free.

I no nothing will ever change the past and what had happened to you, but

you cant go at this alone because life will only get harder.

Is there anyone helping you through this?

Doctors? Friends? etc:

I have a friend that this has happened to and she does not trust guys either and 40 years later she still does not trust guys, she will never get married or ever have kids,

but she does have a job and is now copeing just.

I was molested, raped, and beaten by someone in my family

honestly confront this member of your family, let him no and feel your pain, let everyone no what he has done and push some pain on HIM.

you cant live on with everything bottled up in side, this will only bring more unhappiness to you and your friends or whom you are close to.

This person you live with, does he no what happened to you? does anyone no?

im running a little short of time atm but if you ever want to talk or what ever

pm me a yahoo or msn, im always here to help.

and yes im a guy, but putting trust in a male eg: me could change your life forever.

good luck and face the past or its going to come back and get you even harder.

Feel free to read our:

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**BlueEyed1989** · 16-02-2008, 12:32 PM

Okay heres the deal.

1. I have told my family about what had happened and they admitted they had an idea of what was going on but never did anything about it.

2. my mom died from alcohol and i was the only one who knew where her bottles were hidden. I never got rid of them in time.

3. the person who did all that to me i have confronted them and they didn't care. they claimed i was lying and made me feel like :censored: . That person was my stepfather who raised me since 1 till i was 17! i hate him so much!

4. i can talk to some of my friends but none of them can feel my pain. they are all too busy with drugs or their own problems. its hard to put that on others.

5. i have no money but i have a friend who is housing me (thankfully). No money means no health insurance and i can't get free stuff either. No insurance means no help with the panic attacks....

thanks though

**BoYkA** · 16-02-2008, 12:43 PM

That just sucks then ha, what a wanker your stepfather was, he needs a good kick in the head the ****er. its not your blame your mum died, if you had of said "here i found the bottles" then she would of hid them again from you.

the person who did all that to me i have confronted them and they didn't care

give it time there is always away, just wait till the time is right, he remarry s lol, let everyone no at the wedding.....he finds someone he really loves, then you tell her...im sure you will make him feel shit in the finish, even if its years from now, people change

it mite come back as calmer on him.

dame i have to go sorry, cheers lets hope for more replies, thanks for sharing your life

and the more you talk about it the better you will feel.

**BlueEyed1989** · 16-02-2008, 02:02 PM

Originally Posted by Ministry Of Sound™

That just sucks then ha, what a wanker your stepfather was, he needs a good kick in the head the ****er. its not your blame your mum died, if you had of said "here i found the bottles" then she would of hid them again from you.

give it time there is always away, just wait till the time is right, he remarry s lol, let everyone no at the wedding.....he finds someone he really loves, then you tell her...im sure you will make him feel shit in the finish, even if its years from now, people change

it mite come back as calmer on him.

dame i have to go sorry, cheers lets hope for more replies, thanks for sharing your life

and the more you talk about it the better you will feel.

the worst thing is he already got remarried and has two little boys with her. She was there when all that reporting went on and she didn't believe me. no022 Talk about wicked step mother. WTF

thanks for your help though...my name is LD btw

**wavedy** · 16-02-2008, 04:46 PM

Man am I feeling for u.

For starters how can a 9 year old be judged for that? She was your MOTHER and no matter what went on, how could it be your fault...u were 9, end of story.

Ppl who blame others usually have guilt themselves for not doing anything about it before it happened due to selfishness or too much going on in their own lives to help. Know that and try to move on. Blaming u was easier for them than admitting they were at fault. I cant believe they were so selfish as to make a 9 year old kid who had to deal with losing the only person in her life that loves her, feel guilty of killing her. Thats unbelievable.

Your step father should be shot, burned and torchered for the rest of his life. Given that it wont happen that way u need to know some things.

1stly dont ever expect him to admit it, dont ever expect him to regret it or say he's sorry, its not in him to do that. As the saying goes...U cant draw blood from a stone.

2ndly as long as u let it effect u, he will have a hold on u. This is a HUGE thing to come to terms with and its not easy. Always know it really honestly was not your fault that he did it, no matter what is ever or has ever been said, it was never your fault for this reason...He knew it was wrong and did it anyway. No one can be excused from that. He still wont admit he did it and that also shows he knew it was a cu*ts act. Sorry for that word but it was warranted there.

Also, things have a way of working themselves out. This man will never feel happiness like u could. Imagine how wonderful it would feel to look at him one day when your life is GREAT and happy and u have all u ever wanted! And he is...himself in his shitty life, his wife found the truth about who he is and u are shining like the sun. Strive for that, its the BEST payback of all.:ok:

**a m y** · 24-02-2008, 03:41 PM

I noticed that you said people blamed you for your mothers death, and i know this is only a minor problem to everything else that has happened, but i want you to know that it is NOT your fault. When you have a parent who isnt 'well" there isnt anything you can do as a daughter/son. I know as hard as it is to know that you 'could" have stoped it. you couldnt. People have to help themselves, even though someone needs to be by there side, they have to do it alone. Good luck with the future.

**rainbow** · 24-02-2008, 10:59 PM

Hi, honey.

I read your post and am really moved. I'll give you a detailed response when I have a bit more time (ie. not today, but sometime soon). In the meantime, keep your chin up and surround yourself with people who make a positive difference in your life

**sweet.love905** · 13-06-2008, 03:40 PM

Well, first and foremost, I congratulate you on making it this far. That right there tells me, and im sure many others, that you are one heck of a strong woman. You have been through hell, now step by step things will have to start getting better. It will be a slow process, that majority of us on this forum, and those that you know, will never truely understand. But although most will not understand, im sure many here and of those you know, are willing to hear you out and do our best to understand.

I would suggest maybe seeking out group therapy for those who have gone through similar events. Its cheaper on the wallet, and can often be more effective than one on one. And like I said, you have made it this far, showing your strength, others can be there to keep your strength up, as well as you can be a role model for those who are struggleing, from what you have said, im sure you would be a great one.

Its going to be hard, but confront the step father again with updates of your progress. Like already mentioned, you can get better, he will have what he did hanging over his denial filled head forever until he can fully realize the harm he caused you. But the best way to get back at him, is to succeed. Dont give him that power to continue effecting your life. Coming here, and talking to your friends is the first step to taking control.

As far as your mom, dont EVER believe that it was your fault. Its not. Plain and simple.

The Panic Attacks...take it step by step. research various coping techniques and try them all. Find one that works for you. There are breathing techniques, or even when you feel one coming, call someone familiar to talk you through it. This could be where group counseling comes in handy. Networking to find people in similar situations and finding out what has worked for them.

As far as financial/job/healthcare....i know it has a bad reputation and no one likes to use it, the horrible W word..but welfare and financial assistance is there for a reason. There is no shame in using it when you actually need it.

Hope this helps even a little,

feel free to pm me.